Ever Feel Insecure? So Does Maxwell.

“I’m a really, really insecure person at best…”

- Maxwell, Q&A at the BlackSummers’Night Listening Party & Press Conference on 4/28/09

A few years ago, I wrote about how John Mayer gets anxiety attacks.  And lately, with all the Michael Jackson coverage in the news, it’s been mentioned a lot that Michael Jackson was extremely shy.

OK, these are obstacles.  If you have “crippling anxiety attacks” as John Mayer’s were described in a September 2006 issue of Rolling Stone, one could assume that you might not be able to perform in front of huge crowds, have your albums go multi-platinum, and win Grammy Awards.  If you are extremely shy, maybe you are just not meant to be the greatest pop star of all time.  Or maybe just maybe, you would be able to perform in front of thousands upon thousands of people, wow crowds, and maybe even become the King of Pop.  Maybe, despite all the obstacles that would seemingly make these things impossible, you can, and you do anyway.

In a recent Q&A at the BlackSummers’Night Listening Party & Press Conference, Maxwell confessed to being a “really, really insecure person at best,” and this is what he Tweeted before his dress rehearsal for the BET Awards in June:  “on the STAGE gettin’ ready to do the dress rehearsals… so NERVOUS…”

I have long been fascinated by insecurity and fear, and how it can stop you.  Or not.  In my own life sometimes I will hit a wall of fear that is so scary it makes me want to stop.  And it is easy to think that if you are at all insecure, shy, nervous, anxious, or fearful, well, maybe that big bold dream just isn’t for you.  Maybe it’s for those totally secure, calm, fearless people, and you, well, you can stay hiding in that corner or snuggled under that rock, and settle for a listless, passionless life in which your dreams are absent, having been chased away by your fears. 

But who are those supremely confident, ever-unflappable people?  Does anyone really not have to walk through some form of fear or insecurity on the path to their dreams?

When I used act, and now when I perform, speak, and even teach, I will often get really nervous beforehand.  A calm then sweeps over me once I get onstage or get started, but I’ve wondered if there are certain people who are extremely successful at what they do who just get to skip the fear step.  I’ve wondered if there is a way to override those nervous jitters and instead only embody complete confidence and calm at all times, in all situations, even in the most jitter-inducing of circumstances.  Seeing people who just SHINE, or ROCK, or do whatever they are doing to its fullest and most radiant expression, I’ve longed to know, what is their secret?

And the secret is this:  these people are often nervous, afraid, anxious, shy, and insecure.  But they do their thing anyway.

Maxwell describes himself as insecure.  Watch this video for “Pretty Wings” and see if it appears that he has anything at all to feel insecure about, or if “insecure” is one of the top five adjectives that comes to your mind to describe him.  Personally, I think, “dizzyingly beautiful, amazing voice, off-the-charts-talented, soulful, and sexy.”  Insecure doesn’t make it anywhere close to my list.

Or check out this performance for the CBS Early Show and see if you could guess that he ever gets nervous before performing.

So fear, shyness, insecurity, anxiety, and nervousness can be obstacles that stop you in your tracks.  But they don’t have to be.  John Mayer got anxiety attacks.  Michael Jackson was shy.  Maxwell is insecure at best.  But they all stepped through their fears to share their incredible gifts with the world.  Don’t let those things stop you from sharing your gifts with the world.  Just take a deep breath, and step out into your spotlight to shine.

Maxwell Is Singing To My Soul…& Curing My Anxiety

This is how it started:  two weeks ago I was listening to Pandora.com as I was getting ready in the morning and Maxwell’s song “Pretty Wings” popped up, reminding me how much I love Maxwell.  I didn’t realize it was a new song and thought maybe it was just one that I had missed in the past.  When I got to work, I told my co-worker, who sits behind me and gets to hear about all my musical loves, about my excitement over hearing that Maxwell song.

“You must be really excited for his new cd then!” my co-worker exclaimed.

“What??!?!”  I had had no idea that Maxwell had a new cd coming out after the 8 years since his last one.  I had been excited about creating a new Maxwell station on Pandora; now I was over-the-top about the news of his new cd.

This is how it really started:  In 1998, I graduated from college and moved to New York City to go to acting school full-time, and into an apartment on the Upper East Side with two of my best friends from high school.  One of my roommates had Maxwell’s cds “Urban Hang Suite” and “MTV Unplugged” and introduced me to the wonder that is his music.  She had been introduced to Maxwell’s music by her ex-boyfriend who had played his cds when they were still dating, while they were making out.  I imagine that that guy smartly put Maxwell’s cds on permanent rotation in his bedroom cd player.

In my first New York City apartment, Maxwell cds were often playing, for musical enjoyment purposes not making out purposes, although I did go on to follow in my roommate’s footsteps and make out with my own boyfriend circa 2000 to the live version “Whenever Wherever Whatever” on the unplugged cd.  I played Maxwell’s live version of “This Woman’s Work” off that same cd as emotional preparation when I was acting in plays where I had to be sad, crouched down backstage in the dark, or in a green room, listening to it repeatedly before going on.  I had a painful break-up with boyfriend circa 2000, wrote a play about him, and used the aforementioned version of “Whenever Wherever Whatever” in the play’s soundtrack.  Years later, I’ve happily divorced that beautiful song from the painful memories of the break-up and can deeply enjoy it once again. 

In August of 2001 Maxwell’s last cd “Now” came out.  I got it right away, and listening to the songs ”Lifetime” and “Get to Know Ya” made me feel happy, and hopeful.

And I remember a mix of Maxwell songs on the soundtrack of my first few years living in New York City in the late 90’s and early 2000’s, woven in with the experiences of my 20’s when I was new to the city, everything was an adventure, and I was guided by my dreams.

This February, I was meeting my family for dinner at a French bistro in Manhattan.  I got there early and was waiting at the bar when “Ascension (Don’t Ever Wonder)” came on.  I felt flooded again with that same sense of happiness and thought, “I love this place!”  After dinner I stopped at Barnes & Noble on my way home to buy my very own copy of “Urban Hang Suite,” because I have not lived with that Maxwell cd-owning roommate since Maxwell’s last cd came out.

Back to Summer 2009, for the past two weeks, I have been so excited about Maxwell’s new cd coming out, and have been listening to his music practically non-stop.  And here’s the thing.  Sometimes music can bring you so much joy, and just make you feeeeeel soooooo goooooood.  And Maxwell’s music does exactly that.  Several times over the past few weeks, I’ve been walking down the street when I’ve noticed anxious thoughts creep into my mind, and I’d start down the path of worrying about some insignificant thing that is a waste of my time and energy, but a familiar and seductive pattern nonetheless.  And several times I’ve grabbed for my iPod Shuffle in those moments, shoved the headphones in my ears, and pressed play to “Pretty Wings.”  I’ve discovered that hearing it just melts away my anxiety, and makes it pretty much impossible to give any time or energy to a negative worried thought, because all my energy becomes captivated by the music instead.  And on a crowded subway, I will throw in those headphones again, and blast “Pretty Wings” or “Fortunate,” and suddenly I am literally bursting with energy and excitement (and sometimes dancing), oblivious to space-invading rush hour commuters, transported into a whole nother, more joyful, zone.

I got his much-anticipated new cd “BLACKsummers’night” yesterday, and today, I took what I called a “Maxwell Half-Day” at work, and went to see a free outdoor concert that he was doing for the CBS Early Show.  I had wanted to go to his concert at NJPAC in Newark which was the closest show to NYC listed on his tour schedule, but it had sold out the week before.  However, the same day I found out that that show was sold out, I learned about this free NYC one.  Walking from the subway to the outdoor plaza where the CBS concert would be this morning, I was so excited that I started having difficulty breathing and I had to pop a Tums.  It was an amazing, joyous show from an amazing, joyous performer, and it always inspires me how something so simple as a song, has the incredible power to transport, transform, uplift, and even, when needed, to cure anxiety.

Stay tuned, there is a good chance I will write more about Maxwell, and this just might turn into Maxwell Week on my blog…

Summer of Fun Mission ‘09: All Revved Up & Raring To Go

Last week in my newsletter I wrote about my mission to have fun this summer.  When I wrote it, I had already started bringing fun to the forefront of my mind and therefore my life in some small ways, and I am happy to report that the Summer of Fun Mission ‘09  is now officially in full swing.

I am realizing that you can’t just ignore fun or think about it like twice a year and assume it will just passively mosey on over in your general direction.  You really have to hold that intention to have fun front & center and let it inform your decisions as you move through your days.

This 4th of July weekend was evidence of the shift I’ve made towards embracing more fun.  Holidays are usually especially UN-fun for me.  I feel like there is so much pressure to do something fun and the expectations are so high, and as a result holidays have traditionally been disappointing/depressing for me.  Over the past several years, I’ve somewhat given up on holidays and often don’t even try to make any plans, and then the holiday rolls around and I find myself even more disappointed/depressed that I don’t have anything to do. 

This year, a friend invited me to her family friends’ home on the Jersey Shore for the 4th of July weekend, and whereas I would normally say no to anything out of my routine, this year, guided by my mission to have fun, I said YES instead, and I am so happy I did.  I treated myself to a new self-help book, bought a ticket on New Jersey Transit, and headed Down the Shore. 

The weekend was chock-ful of the quintessential summer fun I so miss from my childhood/college/20’s, like going to the beach, playing in a pool, hanging out on a patio in a lounge chair with my feet up, relaxing in a hammock (I have long had a theory that hammocks are the key to complete relaxation), and eating what felt like a never-ending procession of food coming off the grill.  The weekend culminated when another friend stopped by and drove us home, windows down, “Freefalling” by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers and various Steve Miller Band songs blasting on the radio, the wind whipping through my hair as the scenery whizzed by, totally college road-trip style. 

And the quintessential summer fun was supplemented by new experience fun, like riding on a motorcycle for the first time ever, another thing I said YES to (although, full-disclosure, I only said yes after extensive convincing).  Before I strapped my helmet on, I was instructed to lean into the turns instead of trying to stay upright, and every time the motorcycle turned a corner, I felt myself effortlessly leaning with it, acknowledging the metaphor that I wanted to lean into my life more and not sit up so rigidly, to just go with the flow and trust instead.

Another thing that has given a boost to my Summer Fun Mission is that I have been amping up my yoga practice and practicing more regularly which is fun in its own right, and also provides me with the energy and endorphins necessary to pursue fun like it’s my job.  And I have been listening to music I love pretty much non-stop.  Walking home from the subway tonight, my neighbor busted me as I was rocking out on the street to “I Want You Back” by the Jackson Five.  I had just taken a big breath in and was switching my bag to my other hand in preparation to launch out into full-out choreography mode, when he walked up behind me and said hi.  Feeling the need to explain I said, “Hi.  I’m rocking out,” and he responded, “Good for you!”  I love dance parties in any location – in my apartment, sitting in my chair at work, in the street, on the subway, and in my mind – and listening to a constant stream of energizing, uplifting music and rocking out wherever I feel so inspired provides an extra burst of fun to activities that are usually decidedly un-fun, like the rush hour subway commute.

Last week, one of my friends used the expression “all revved up” and it immediately became my new favorite expression.  How often do you feel “all revved up” about anything in your life, let alone your whole life?  How often do you leap out of bed in the morning “all revved up” to start your day, “all revved up” about the fun and excitement and adventure it will bring?  I have gone through long periods of time on auto-pilot where I couldn’t muster one single rev, even for things that once brought me joy.  That’s where I am coming to learn that fun is an active pursuit, a muscle you have to flex daily or else it will atrophy, an engine that you have to keep on revving or your vehicle will conk out on you.  And this requires constantly and deliberately placing people, places, and things in your life every single day that you are super-excited and all revved up about.

So how is your Fun Factor this summer?  Do you want to make fun your mission?  Or is it already in the forefront of your life?  Post a comment to share what fun you are infusing in your life, I’d love to hear from you!

OK Ladies & Gentlemen…start your engines!

Copyright © 2009 by Jennifer Garam

Mission: Summer of Fun

WRITEOUS CHICKS NEWSLETTER - June 2009

 Summer summer summertime

Time to sit back and unwind

- Will Smith when he was still The Fresh Prince, “Summertime” lyrics

After my sophomore year of college I came home to Westchester and spent lots of time in the Greenburgh Public Library pouring over the O’Dwyers PR Guide, making lists of places to apply for a responsible summer internship.  I got an interview at a PR firm and I wore my new suit that I had bought at Ann Taylor or Lord & Taylor.  It was beige, and the top was cream, and I had matching beige pumps.  Sitting in the Manhattan office, my interviewer said, “Garden supplies.  You will spend your summer focused on garden supplies.”

I felt panicked and claustrophobic.  I could not see myself sitting in an office in my beige suit and matching heels doing garden supply PR, whatever that meant, day after day after day after day…

And then…my college roommate invited me to live in Cape Cod that summer with her and a few other girls, rent-free.  I did not spend time weighing my options or listing pros and cons.  I just said “No” to garden supplies and “YES!” to the Cape.

Soon after, I got in my Dad’s maroon 1972 BMW 2002, rolled down the windows (it didn’t have AC), turned up the radio (I spent my life savings at age 16 on a brand new car radio that even had a tape deck!) and DROVE! 

My college roommate’s family owned real estate in Cape Cod, so the first month we stayed at a gorgeous house on the Cape Cod Canal.  There were four of us and we each had our own room, and there was a porch out back and when you stepped off the porch you touched down to sand.  The second month we moved into a three story townhouse in a housing complex in the same town, and two more girls moved in and we paid close to nothing at a couple hundred dollars each in rent.  I drove around for the first few days I was there looking for a waitressing job and filling out applications and then I got TWO – one at a cafe where the owner didn’t have what you would call a business sense or a profit motive.  He was taking a break from his other career as a Deadhead to dabble in restaurant owning.  On one of my first shifts, he took the staff, which was comprised mostly of me and my roommates, to get restaurant supplies at The Christmas Tree Shops, where he proceeded to steal many salt & pepper shakers.  On another shift, we all went to a waiter’s house to hang out at his pool.  My other job was more stable, at an established waterfront restaurant that also catered weddings.

I worked hard, often double shifts and for large chunks of time without a day off, but I also PLAYED.  I remember driving around and exploring, running along the canal or through the streets at sunset, picking up fudge swirl ice cream on the way home from work for a late-night treat, buying a basketball and shooting hoops just because our housing complex had a basketball court, eating Burger King Italian Chicken Sandwiches dipped in ketchup and fries dipped in barbecue sauce multiple times a week, lying on the carpeted floor watching videos for TLC’s “Waterfalls” and Boyz II Men’s “Water Runs Dry,” having crushes on boys with Boston accents, eating lots of clam chowdah, going dancing at Landfall in Woods Hole, taking road trips to Boston and Winchester and Marblehead, walking around Cambridge in the rain, seeing a movie at the Brattle Theatre, eating burgers at The Tasty and burritos at Border Cafe in Harvard Square, trying to use my fake id – sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t, kissing a cute boy in the parking lot of a bar, renting mopeds on Martha’s Vineyard, thinking I looked hot in my bikini, and feeling that way, too, taking late-night trips to IHOP, reading The Alienist, going to a beach party and an outdoor concert, blasting The Dave Matthews Band cds, leaving at midnight to drive from Cape Cod to New York, sitting on the back porch smoking Marlboro Lights with my feet up on the rail.  I learned how to open a bottle of wine.  I crashed my car at Logan Airport and the police officer that arrived on the scene looked like Mel Gibson.  I had my heart broken and cried on the couch and thought the heart-hurt would never stop.

In the summer of 1995, I did all the quintessential summer things and I had FUN. 

Fun used to be a lot easier to come by and I didn’t really have to think about it, it just happened.  Now my default mode is to work really hard with no room for fun.  When I get busy (which is most of the time), I feel something click.  I get really super-focused, and go into nose-to-the-grindstone mode.  There are things that need to be done.  Goals to reach.  Life changes to make.  Finances to worry about.  Chores to take care of.  The laundry has to get done, the bathroom needs to be cleaned, and I have to realize my life purpose.

I was face-to-grindstone a few weeks ago working hard at home alone on a Saturday afternoon when I heard a voice in my head say (whine), “I’M NOT HAVING ANY FUN!”  I went out that night which improved the situation, but it was a temporarily fix, like slapping a band-aid on my fun deprivation, when I needed a full-out fun-transfusion.

Being an adult with responsibilities, stresses, obligations, worries, and a bathtub that will not get cleaned if I don’t clean it, it is too easy to lose track of fun.  To de-prioritize it until I forget about it.  And fun doesn’t just fall into my lap like it used to.  No one is calling me these days offering me months of rent-free/low-cost housing in a summer vacation town.  Spontaneity no longer feels comfortable.  My immediate response to a fun invitation is, “I can’t afford that,” and then, “I don’t have time.”

And what was fun for me at 19 is not the same thing that will be fun for me now.  I wouldn’t find it enjoyable today to say, crash my car, fall in love with a jerk, and then smoke a pack of Marlboro Lights.  (It really wasn’t ever fun for me to crash my car, and it definitely wasn’t fun paying for the damages, but the Mel Gibson lookalike thing made it slightly less traumatizing.  And looking back, the jerk/bad boy/heartbreak thing is overrated, and smoking is bad for your health, I don’t do it anymore, and I definitely would NOT advocate it.  I just always seem to feel so nostalgic about my cigarette-smoking memories…).  But that makes it a project, and a fun one at that, to explore what is FUN for me today, what I would LOVE doing, what would light me up and make me giddy with excitement and anticipation just thinking about it.

Because fun doesn’t come so easily anymore, I have to be vigilant to make sure I get my required daily dose.  People are busier now than when I was 19, and their schedules are more packed, so fun takes a little advance planning.  And when I receive spontaneous or semi-spontaneous invitations, I can practice overriding Ican’taffordthatIdon’thavetime with a resounding YES!  I still feel the same buzz of excitement and adventure shooting through me when I say Yes to something wonderful at 33 as I did at 19.  Last summer I squeezed a little fun in but still felt deficient in that area and wished that I had had so much more, so this summer I am on a mission to have a Summer of Fun and I am proactively seeking it out. 

 

Is your summer set-up for fun maximization?  Take your fun pulse – scan your life to see if you are infusing enough fun into it.  Have you orchestrated moments in your days, weeks, and months purely dedicated to doing things you love and spending time with people you love in places you love?  Update your fun list – what would be purely, blissfully fun for you right now?  Then take a few things off your to do list and get to work checking things off on your fun list.  Summer is a time for slowing down and feeling good so let the season inspire you to do the same.  Even if fun takes a little more effort now than it used to, the payoff is exponential and well worth it.  And, in the words of Will Smith back in the day when he was still The Fresh Prince and fun was waiting around every corner, take the next few months stretching out before you to just sit back and unwind…

Wishing you a fun-filled summer!

Lots of love!

Jen xoxo

P.S.  I was planning to write this newsletter last Friday but I said YES to the beach!

Copyright © 2009 by Jennifer Garam

What Are Your Michael Jackson Memories?

Amidst the very unclear and devastating tragedy of Michael Jackson’s death, what is clear is how many people’s lives he touched through his music and performing and very being, in both obvious and more subtle ways.  The past few days as I walked down the streets of  Brooklyn, I’ve passed cars with his music blaring through their windows like a time capsule of the 70’s and 80’s.  I’ve been surprised when I’ve turned on the radio and his music was not playing, as since Thursday it feels like the whole world is united in listening to Michael Jackson together.

Among my friends and I’ve noticed memories surface, memories of listening to his music throughout our lives.  His songs were not just songs in a vacuum at a certain moment that then evaporated and disappeared; his music is tied to our memories, feelings, stories, and so much more.

I remember…

-Listening to the Thriller album on my plastic Fisher Price record player when I was 7 or 8 years old, sitting on the floor in my living room as the record spun, the album cover nearby, playing the record straight through, from first song to last.

-Being 8 years old, the summer before I turned 9, visiting my Aunt Pam and Uncle Mark in Cleveland, OH.  I was tan and my short feathered hair (before my hair turned curly), was parted in the middle and flopped open.  I think I was wearing a turquoise cotton sundress, and one large single cooking mitt to simulate Michael’s single sequined glove, and, performing for the audience of my family, I had just done a moonwalk and spun around and threw up my kitchen mitted-hand into the air when someone snapped a photo.

-When my parents got divorced, my Dad moved into a small apartment a few towns away that sat at the entrance of a dead-end alley.  My sister and I would go there every other weekend, and sometimes we would visit my Dad’s neighbor Nancy, who lived a big old run down house at the end of the alley.  She was in her early 40’s and the youngest grandmother I had ever met, we’d play Parcheesi and she had a huge record collection filled with albums like old classic Billy Joel, and The Jackson Five, and I associate her house and Parcheesi with the first time I ever heard “ABC.”

-Being planted in front of the television in my wood-paneled family room watching the video for “Say Say Say” on network television, back when they used to play videos on network TV, riveted by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney driving away on the back of a truck, and Michael Jackson’s tearful clown make-up…

-My seventh grade class trip to Washington, D.C. I associate with the song “Man in the Mirror.”  I had the cassette tape of “Bad,” so maybe I listened to it on a walkman on the bus ride down.  I remember the first sense of freedom, four 7th grade girls staying in our very own hotel room, and there was even a telephone in the bathroom, and we went sightseeing, and to a mall, and on a boat cruise, and stayed up late talking to boys, one of us from the phone in the bedroom and someone else on the phone in the bathroom, and there was always the possibility that a cute 7th grade boy you had a crush on, or wanted to practice flirting with, would knock on your door to say hi.

-Junior year of high school, my friends and I going over to Chip’s house to watch the television premiere of the “Black or White” video.

-The summer after I graduated from high school, my best friend Zoe and I cocktail waitressed at The Chart House.  The restaurant played the same official restaurant soundtrack over and over again, and one of the songs on it was “Wanna Be Starting Something,” and I remember being giddy and delirious after a 10 or 12 hour shift of working outside on the patio in the blazing summer sun, cleaning up and stacking cocktail trays and packing table tents away in bus bins, when that song would come on and we would dance, standing up tall to “It’s too high to get over, Yeah, Yeah” and ducking down low for “Too low to get under, Yeah, Yeah.”

-Being in acting school after college, getting there early in the morning and bringing in cds and blasting them on the boom box in the classroom, some of us launching out of our chairs that were lined up in rows to have a dance party before our first class started, before 9am.  Dancing and moving to have fun, and release some anxiety before an angsty day of difficult classes, and somehow those early morning dance parties helped get me in a happier and lighter mood, where I could feel more in control, and maybe deal with the criticism that was to come a little better.  Dancing to The Jackson Five, “ABC,” or “I Want You Back,” and feeling that burst of energy and joy that music can bring.

Michael Jackson’s life ended too soon, and tragically, and seemed to be characterized by an unknowable…something… sadness or loneliness or trouble or torment…  But for everyone who has lived in the past 40 years, his life reached out and touched all of ours.  We all have our own different Michael Jackson memories but we are all connected in that we all have them – memories, feelings, and stories we associate with him and his music – and we were all affected at different times, at different ages, in different places, and at different moments, by his music, and his presence in this world.

So, in honor of Michael Jackson’s life, and the ways in which he was a part of our lives, for the inspiration he provided, for his music and dancing that brought people glimpses of joy and upliftment and connection, for his passion and drive and dedication and creativity, and for all that he created…

What feelings and stories do you remember?  What friends and family and people and places and times and ages do his songs make you think of?  What are your Michael Jackson memories, where are those pieces of your life when his music was playing along, creating the soundtrack of your stories?

“And my goal in life is to give the world what I was lucky to receive: the ecstasy of divine union through my music and dance.”  – Michael Jackson

Copyright © 2009 by Jennifer Garam

Lessons On How To Dance To The Music Of Life From A 4 1/2-Year-Old

WRITEOUS CHICKS NEWSLETTER - May 2009

For the last few weeks, I was excitedly counting down to the season premiere of “So You Think You Can Dance” last Thursday, and planned to watch it with my friend who loves SYTYCD as much as I do.  We’ve watched the past two seasons together, play back our favorite dances repeatedly, and critique the dances as they are happening and see if what we have to say is in line with what the expert judges will say.  Cat Dealy and the judges have become like old friends I only get to see from May to August, and I was eagerly anticipating the two-hour television event.

My SYTYCD friend’s 3 and 4 1/2-year-old nieces were visiting from California and staying with her on Thursday, so she made the television event into a WYOT (Wear Your Own Tutu) Dance Party, and she said that every time she spoke to her nieces on the phone leading up to their visit and mentioned the Dance Party, they were so excited they would start screaming, and then the phone would drop to the ground.

So while “So You Think You Can Dance” was on mute most of the time and we missed many of dances last week, watching the season premiere dance party-style with a 3 and 4 1/2-year-old was way more fun and inspiring, in addition to requiring much more active participation.  And I quickly picked up some pointers on how to live more fully and dance to the music of life from Evelyn, my friend’s 4 1/2-year-old niece.

1)  Love Something With All of Your Heart

Later on in the dance party after Evelyn had performed several numbers as well as taught us some complicated choreography, we took a break from dancing and sat down to watch part of the show.  This episode’s auditions were taped at BAM, and during one performance, Evelyn sat at the edge of a chair, mesmerized and completely captivated by the dancer on screen.  “I want to beeeeee there,” she exclaimed, “their stage is so BIG!”  And later she elaborated, “I want to be a dancer in New York!”

She didn’t find reasons why this couldn’t happen or try to talk herself out of her dream or worry about what the critical response would be to her dancing, like so many of us do in adulthood.  As adults, rarely do we allow ourselves to have that kind of pure love for anything we do, whether it be because of practicality, self-doubt, or fear that if we pour our whole selves into something, we will be met with disappointment or rejection.  But Evelyn did not let any of these things taint or complicate her passion for dancing – she just purely loved it, and with all of her heart was certain that she wanted to dance across a big stage just for the joy of it. 

2)  Know Exactly What You Want and Ask for It

When we were kicking off the dance party portion of the evening, I asked Evelyn what kind of music she wanted to dance to and she immediately responded without any hesitation whatsoever, “Music for a Princess!  Do you have The Little Mermaid?”

As grown-ups, when someone asks us what we want, we often don’t even know because we haven’t allowed ourselves to explore our own preferences, wishes, and desires.  Or, we know, but we want to be low-maintenance so we say something like, “It doesn’t matter,” or “Whatever you want.”  Or we doubt ourselves or feel guilty for wanting something and spiral into indecision, unable to make a clear choice.  Evelyn had no doubt and was so completely in touch with her preferences that she could express them in a milli-second if asked.  Music?  Princess!

3)  If Exactly What You Want Is Not Available, Go With the Flow and Embrace What Is

As it turned out, my friend who is in her 30’s did not happen to have a copy of The Little Mermaid Soundtrack lying around.  The closest thing I could think of to “Princess Music” were the ballads on 106.7 Lite FM, which is what I selected for the dance party tunes.  Evelyn did not express any disappointment and instantly embraced the ballads as “Princess Music” worthy of her dance moves. 

In adulthood, this is another place we tend to get stuck.  If things are not going as we want them to, we have a very difficult time embracing what is, and spend much time and energy resisting and wishing things could be different; energy that could be better spent, perhaps, on a dance party.  Especially if we went to the trouble of expressing a preference, wish, or desire, and it is not met, we can take it as a rejection, and proof that we shouldn’t even bother expressing our needs in the future because they won’t get met anyway.  But this 4 1/2-year-old knew that when you don’t get real princess music, you make princess music out of what you have.

4)  Have Complete Confidence In Yourself

Several times throughout the dance party, Evelyn declared, “I’m a really good dancer!”  At one point she taught a dance lesson and warned me that “this part is really hard,” maybe so I wouldn’t feel bad if I just didn’t get it.  And she was a great dancer.  From watching reality dance shows I’ve learned that judges often comment on contestants’ musicality, and Evelyn had incredible musicality and a natural sense of rhythm.  My friend said that when they are driving and another car drives by playing music, she will start to move to the beat.  She was totally immersed in her dances, completely focused, and filled with emotion.  This is something she loved to do with all of her heart, and she did not doubt her ability in the least, nor did she expect unrealistic levels of perfection or expertise from herself. 

This is something that is really difficult to do after childhood.  As we grow up, we receive criticism from a wide range of sources, from teachers to peers to families to society, and it becomes close to impossible to maintain such a strong sense of self that outside forces never make our belief in ourselves waver.  As we are socialized we also get quite skilled in criticizing ourselves, and frequently place unrealistic expectations of perfection upon ourselves, mercilessly chastising ourselves when we don’t meet them.  Furthermore, displaying confidence in yourself and your abilities comes to be seen as arrogant, so we learn to downplay our abilities, fake modesty, and even diminish and put ourselves down so we don’t seem boastful.  But when you have confidence in yourself and aren’t bogged down by criticism or doubts, either from others or from yourself, you again free up energy to PLAY, enjoy yourself, and thrive.

5)  Sometimes Someone Will Bump Into You On Stage But You Gotta Keep Dancing

As Evelyn was twirling around on the “stage” between the TV, chair, and bed in my friend’s studio apartment, her 3-year-old sister Audrey was also twirling in sometimes competing pathways, and ricocheted off of her repeatedly.  Without missing a beat Evelyn said, “You have to be careful, sometimes someone will bump into you on stage,” as she continued to twirl. 

In life, people are always bumping into us, and it can stop us in our tracks.  At work, in our relationships, and even on the subway, someone bumping into you physically or emotionally can ruin your whole day, if not more.  We can get so upset by something someone else does or says that we completely veer off course and forget about our own goals and plans, and in our anger or our sadness or our whatever, we let this person or circumstance stop us from dancing.  Other people are not just an extension of ourselves, so we are not always going to like everything they do and say.  People will bump into us all the time, and we will have to set boundaries or let it go, but we don’t have to let it stop us from dancing to our own beat.

 

The day after the dance party, I ran into a neighbor on the subway who is studying Decision Making for his PhD.  I described the previous night’s events and asked him why we lose our faith and confidence in ourselves when we grow up, and why it is so easy to make decisions as children, and as adults even the simplest decisions can become something to agonize over as we weigh countless outside influences.  He said that as we get older, we gain several skills, such as the abilities for long-term, big picture thinking and weighing consequences, and in doing so, lose our childhood impulsiveness.  “Can’t we keep what works from our childhood decision-making processes, such as our trust in ourselves and what we want, and still incorporate what benefits us in adulthood such as big picture thinking and the ability to weigh consequences?” I inquired.  But he seemed to think that the two are mutually exclusive and that the gaining of these adult skills by definition requires the loss of the unwavering certainty in ourselves of childhood.

Obviously we can’t completely maintain our childhood innocence as adults, and we gain many benefits that help us effectively function in life as we mature.  But having a dance party with a 3 and 4 1/2-year-old reminded me of the wisdom, energy, inspiration, and excitement for life inherent in all of us in youth, and that we sacrifice too much of that spark as we acquire responsible adult skills.  So while we maintain the best parts of being adults, there is definitely room to break out that tutu, crank up the Lite FM, and DANCE.  There is a well-known quote that says “Dance like no one is watching,” but, as inspired by a 4 1/2-year-old, I’d like to modify it:  Dance like you are centerstage at BAM, you are the greatest dancer in the whole-wide-world, and EVERYONE is watching!

 

Wishing you pure child-like joy as you incorporate more of what makes you DANCE into your life!

Lots of love!

Jen xoxo

Copyright © 2009 by Jennifer Garam

RELEASE OBSTACLES on June 20th – New Manhattan Location!!!

HAPPY MAY!

A few months ago I held my Release Obstacles WRITE NOW! workshop and I am so excited to be offering it again this June!  Releasing obstacles is a theme that is very personally significant to me, as I have hit many periods of extreme, frustrating stuck-ness in my life, where I’ve encountered, time and again, that feeling of hitting (sometimes slamming) my head up against a brick wall, and the more I try and try and try to make things better, the more exhausted, depleted, and stuck I become. 

Many years ago, a friend said to me, “Maybe you aren’t banging your head up against a brick wall.  Maybe it’s just one brick, and if you take a step back, you can just…walk around it.”  My response to her then was, “Who the $&#@ put that brick there?  Like, hanging in the middle of space, at the level of my head?!?!”  But of course, I recognized the wisdom of her words; when everything feels hopeless and you feel lost, when you can’t figure your way out of a stuck place by staring at your problem and banging your head up against it, perspective usually helps.  And when you take a step back and disentangle yourself from whatever it is that is holding you captive, it loosens its grip on you, and you find, that sometimes, you can release it, and it releases you…

Right now this topic feels especially relevant given the current economic climate and pervasive fear in the world.  So whether your obstacles are out there or in here, feel like they were imposed on you or perhaps self-created, take a day to step back, tap into compassionate awareness & see some other possibilities, walk around that one freestanding brick, and let them go.  And start your summer off a little lighter & freer!

This workshop will be offered at a new location in MANHATTAN in Midtown West close to most subway lines, and I am offering an Early Chick Registration Discount if you sign up before Thursday, May 21st!  For more information click here.

And SAVE THE DATE(S) for the following upcoming Writeous Chicks workshops this summer!  Pre-registration is currently available for the below workshops, please inquire for more information!

• Declare Your IN-Dependence (Dependence INWARD) WRITE NOW! – Saturday, July 18th from 12-4pm in Brooklyn
• Your Time To Shine WRITE NOW! – Sunday, August 9th from 12-4pm in Brooklyn

And STAY TUNED for more Writeous Chicks classes & workshops coming soon!

Have a fantastic day!  May this month put a little SPRING in your step!

Lots of love!

Jen xoxo

Copyright © 2009 by Jennifer Garam

My Seasonal Affective Disorder Is In Remission Until November

Several years ago I self-diagnosed myself with Seasonal Affective Disorder.  This past winter, I even had an indoor bout of S.A.D. inside my apartment when, one cold, grey, sad, S.A.D. Saturday in January when the heat in my building wasn’t working, I couldn’t even muster up the energy to get out from under the relative warmth of my covers to walk to the other side of my apartment, and it was too cold to change out of my pajamas, put on a sweater, and like, do something.  Anything.  The cold grey days and long dark nights can just suck all the energy out of me until I don’t even remember that I am person who has a lot of energy.  Or, any energy.

So, when it felt like the first day of spring had finally arrived this Friday, I was delighted to find myself, once again, bursting with energy and restored to my spring/summer effervescence!  For the first time this year, I threw on my open-toe shoes and headed to work.  It was definitely one of those days that you hope the teacher will say, “We’re having class outside today!”, although I’ve found that that actually never happens in the workplace (and also, really didn’t happen that much in college either, despite all those bucolic pictures decorating college catalogs, with teacher and students sitting cross-legged in a circle on the Green, underneath a lush leafy tree, looking contempletive and ostensibly discussing Kierkegaard).  Overtaken with uncontainable giddiness, I started singing ”Cool It Now”  with my co-workers in response to someone talking about “Ronny, Bobby, Ricky, and Mike,” and followed up with an encore of  ”Parents Just Don’t Understand.”  Or, OK, maybe I was just singing by myself…

And then, Saturday arrived and ahhhh that first sunny, warm weekend spring day…  When I am in a really good, sometimes weather-induced, mood, I will blast music as I walk down the street or take the subway, and imagine myself to be in The Music Video of My Life.  My current music video is to the song “My Love” by The-Dream f. Mariah Carey (complete with trademark Mariah Carey high notes a la the early 90’s).  I bounded out of my apartment building and onto the sunny Brooklyn street with this song blaring, and, realizing that it was too hot to be wearing a sweater, dramatically peeled off my cardigan to the rhythm of the musis in a move that could have been in “Footloose.”  When I take on stairs in Music Video mode it always elevates the grooving to a new level, and as I descended into the subway, my steps took on the quality of that stair scene in ”Dirty Dancing.”  I was in such a great mood that I couldn’t help but shake it, and then the shaking it put me in an even better mood, and it turned into this R&B snowball effect of positivity until I was bursting with so much energy I was barely able to hold myself back from like, full-out choreography and kinda thinking that everyone else on the subway platform just might join in the routine.

With months of fun-in-the-sun, increased levels Vitamin D, tank tops, open-toe shoes, sundresses, ice coffees, outdoor dining, leisurely strolls in the park, lush leafy trees and blossoms a’ bloom, and maybe an R&B soundtrack, sprawling out warmly in front of me, I am happy to report that my Seasonal Affective Disorder is officially in remission until November, and I have a new self-diagnosis:  Spring Fever.  And it’s highly contagious.

Copyright © 2009 by Jennifer Garam

It’s Good To Be Bad

WRITEOUS CHICKS NEWSLETTER - April 2009

 

“Would you rather be whole or good?”  -Carl Jung

 

I’m bossy and controlling.  Not many people know this about me because, well, those are not considered to be good or nice qualities to have, so I learned to hide them.  And then, over time, the hiding becomes so second nature that it is no longer a decision, and in this way, you could easily forget and lose huge chunks of yourself.

 

However.  My family knows the truth because they were there from the beginning, when evidence of my bossy and controlling tendencies was more easily apparent. 

 

When I was 5-years-old, I went on vacation with my extended family to La Jolla, California.  At 5-years-old, I was at the height of my sassiness, my self-confidence, my belief in myself, I hadn’t yet learned to doubt or criticize myself, and it never would have occurred to me to hide a feeling or thought.  This was back when I wanted to be a Solid Gold Dancer, and I spent many hours on said vacation in our hotel room practicing for my future career, alternately launching myself into leaps through the air and dramatically throwing myself on the floor in a heap, while belting out the Solid Gold theme song, “Solid Gold – Filling up my life with music, Solid Gold – Putting rhythm in my soul!”, imagining myself in a skin-tight gold lamé bodysuit accented perhaps, by just the right leg warmers.  (I can now see where my current love of dance TV shows like So You Think You Can Dance took root.)

 

One day on vacation, my family was all going out together, and we stood in the hotel hallway waiting for the elevator.  When the elevator arrived we all piled in – me, my Mom, Dad, my 2-year-old sister, grandfather, and grandmother.  And then.  My sister pressed the elevator button.  And I wanted to press the elevator button, didn’t everybody know this?!  “OK, everybody out,” I demanded, “I want to press the button!”  So I made everyone get out of the elevator, and then get back in, so that I could press the button.  Everybody actually complied, although, in all fairness, I had my 5-year-old-little-kid-adorable factor going for me then, and I don’t think I could get away with that if I tried it, say, today.  And it was probably easier to comply with my wishes than deal with what would happen if they didn’t, which would be, I would get upset, and also, mad.

 

But then I learned, through life, that I was supposed to be a good girl, and that playing nice with everyone else in the sandbox was more important than expressing my own feelings and thoughts.  That there were certain qualities and feelings I had that were wrong or bad, and therefore, I had to hide, deny, repress, suppress, and hate those qualities, thoughts, and feelings, and cover them up with an impenetrable layer of niceness.  (Incidentally, I didn’t used to play nice in the sandbox – I took over the sandbox.  I was the boss of the sandbox.) 

 

This developed into a tendency to go to the opposite extreme and people-please at the expense of my own needs, feelings, and wishes.  And it is easy to see how battering my bossy and controlling tendencies into submission by behaving in the complete opposite way has caused a lot of pain.  Because the greatest betrayal of all is the one against yourself.

 

Society allows us to show such a teeny tiny sliver of who we really and truly are, and we learn to suppress the rest of ourselves, the parts that don’t fit neatly into that sliver.  Here is a random sampling of things that society (and many of its individual members) deem unacceptable:

 

- Anger

- Sadness

- Jealousy

- Anxiety

- Depression

- Bossiness/Controlling-ness

- Prolonged any-of-the-above.  If you have to feel it, could you just get it over with and move on already?!?!

 

Now raise your hand if you’ve ever felt any of the above.  It is so crazy that we’re not supposed to, and when we do, we feel like we are all alone and no one else feels this way, when, at some point or another, we all do!  What’s unacceptable is that we don’t feel right in expressing all of who we are, no matter how messy or uncomfortable or not nice it may be!

 

Suppressing things that we think are unacceptable about ourselves does not work, and only leads to painfully diminishing ourselves.  When you identify these parts of yourself that you’ve felt the need to suppress in the past, instead of hating them you can accept, embrace, and integrate them.  They often provide a gift that will contribute to making you healed and whole.  For instance, instead of being ashamed of my bossiness, I can use it on my own behalf in situations where I need to stand up for myself.  My controlling-ness contributes to my ability to efficiently organize and carry out plans.  And anger, which is a big issue for so many people who fear it and avoid confrontation at all costs, is a tremendous gift. When I feel angry, it is a huge flashing light that something is wrong or some boundary is being violated, and it shows me where I need to express myself, speak up, and/or make a change. 

 

I don’t have to be The Boss of the World or The Nicest Person in the Universe; I can work towards accepting all parts of myself, embracing the gifts that each and every piece brings, and integrating them in a balanced way.  This process is totally messy and uncomfortable, and is filled with mistakes and missteps, swinging way too far in one direction only to over-compensate by going to the opposite extreme.  The important thing is to take it on with compassion for yourself every step of the way, and trust that practice, even when taken in baby steps, will make it easier over time, and bring progress and healing.  It is a worthwhile endeavor to embark on, because being whole feels a whole lot better, and is infinitely more rewarding and fulfilling, than being good.

 

Examine the parts of yourself that you’ve been conditioned to believe are bad.  The parts you don’t like, don’t want to look at, and really don’t want anyone else to see.  Know that they are not bad, and you no longer have to believe that they are.  Practice shedding a little love on those vulnerable bits and pieces as you coax them out into the light.  And grow the sliver of yourself that you allow yourself to show to the world fuller and deeper, so that you have room to stretch and breathe, move around, dance and play, take leaps and falls, and be.  Fully.  Truly.  Wholly.  You.

 

OK, now everybody get out of the elevator.  I want to press the button!

 

 

“But what does it mean, anyway, if what it takes to be loved is the denial of one’s own story?  And what is a bad girl, really, but a girl who doesn’t always do the things other people tell her she’s supposed to do?  Sometimes, it’s true, a bad girl may be someone who cheats or steals or hurts people or lies.  And sometimes a bad girl is just someone who tells the truth.” 

     – “A Good Girl Goes Bad” by Joyce Maynard, from “Bad Girls:  26 Writers Misbehave” edited by Ellen Sussman

 

 

Wishing you lots of love & compassion on your journey!

 

Jen xoxo

  

Copyright © 2009 by Jennifer Garam

Why I Love “EAT, PRAY, LOVE,” & Inspiring Elizabeth Gilbert TED Talk

Three years ago, a guy I was dating on-again, off-again, gave me a copy of Elizabeth Gilbert’s book “EAT, PRAY, LOVE” during an off-period, and said the book made him think of me, or I reminded him of her, or something to that effect. 

Initially, I was just excited to have any contact with him, because contact, especially that involving giving one a book, especially a book reminding him of me, or the admittance that he thought or was thinking of me, usually led, shortly thereafter, to an on-again period.  So I started reading the book…

Now, sometimes you read a book and you’re like, “I can relate to this book, this author, these words, these thoughts.”  And other times, it goes a step further, when you’re like, “These are my exact thoughts!  This is ME!”  That’s how I felt when I read “EAT, PRAY, LOVE” and the way I imagine countless others connected with her words as well, seeing how people pour over her recognizable mala bead-marked pages on subways.

For instance, on page 20, I underlined “something like a cross between a golden retriever and a barnacle,” Elizabeth Gilbert’s description of how she is in love.  “That’s ME!”  I thought.  “I’M a golden-retriever-barnacle!” oscillating between feeling validated that someone had given a name to my behavior in love, and feeling sullen remembering that on-again/off-again guy thought of me when he read this book, and possibly those words, and did he think, “Jen is SUCH a golden-retriever-barnacle, I’m going to give this to her!”?  And then back to feeling understood, and coming to terms with and even embracing my golden-retriever-barnacle-ness.

After many more on-again, off-again periods, the guy and I have become off period.  And after each on turned into an off, I would purge the things he gave me – books, emails, whatever – to symbollically break our ties and make room for a new relationship, a new guy, who would hopefully just be “on.”  But “EAT, PRAY, LOVE” survived every single purging, and there were many (at least 2 pre-”EPL” and 4 post-”EPL”).  And over time, I got custody of this book, and it has become more mine than something he gave me.

*******************************

A group of friends and I email daily gratitude lists to each other, which is something I have been doing for close to 4 years starting with a small core group, and expanding over time so I now send and receive lists to/from about 20 women.  People often include inspiring quotes, resources, and links at the top or bottom of their lists, and this week, one of the women included a link to this Elizabeth Gilbert TED Talk about creativity.  It got me thinking back to when I read “EAT, PRAY, LOVE” in February 2006, and how, when I finished the last word on the last page and closed the book, I felt a twinge of sadness, like I wasn’t going to see this friend anymore, who I had gotten used to meeting on the page everyday, and hearing her stories, and I would miss her.  I am a voracious reader and always have many books lined up on deck, so when I snap one book shut, I immediately open another and start devouring it.  But when I finished “EAT, PRAY, LOVE” and closed it for the last time (not counting the times I have opened it to refer back to it since), I deliberately did not start another book right away, and I decided to wait a day, and sit with what I had just read and let it marinate.

When I find a book I feel this way about, when I hear my thoughts and worries and dreams in someone else’s words, I know early on, from the first passages of the book, and dive into the pages breathlessly, thrilled by the sense of recognition, and spend every free minute and spare second reading it and only surface when I’ve finished.

This is a huge part of why I read – to find that connection on the page, with another person, and with myself.  For that moment when I am reading and feel, “This writer is like me.  I am not alone.”  And this is a huge part of why I write – to connect with myself and through that with others, on the page, computer screen, or in an email.  And hope that someone will read my words and know that they are not alone.

We all have stories, thoughts, words, and dreams to share with each other.  Reading each other’s words, we will find that we have commonalities that will surprise and soothe.  Put your stories, thoughts, words, and dreams down on paper, online, or in an email and share them with someone or someones; it may be exactly what they need to read to know that they are not alone.  And together, through our stories, through our greatest fears and our grandest dreams, we are all, connected, we are all, not alone.

Happy Valentine’s & Presidents’ Day Weekend, and check out this inspiring video to kick off the holiday weekend!

Lots of love!

Jen xoxo

Copyright © 2009 by Jennifer Garam