My Teacher Read This In Yoga Class…

The Great Work by Hafiz, from “The Gift”

Love

Is the great work

Though every heart is first an

Apprentice.

 

The slaves beneath the city of Light.

 

This wondrous trade,

This magnificent throne your soul

Is destined for–

 

You should not have to think

Much about it,

 

Is it not clear

An apprentice needs a teacher

Who himself

 

Has charmed the universe

To reveal the wonders inside his cup.

 

Happiness is the great work,

Though every heart must first become

A student

 

To one

Who really knows

About love.

*******************

My yoga teacher, Robin Pickering, then talked about how we can envision everyone on similar paths, climbing up the steep face of a mountain, some a little ahead and some a little behind.  She said that you can have teachers who are at the top of the mountain, who have reached the peak, but sometimes, the best teachers are the ones who are just a few steps ahead of you, who can say, “This is the best handhold,” or, “Be careful of that loose rock.”  They have just been exactly where you are, so they can give you the most specific instructions for how to chart your course.

She asked us to picture our teacher, and the one who came to my mind was one who is really far ahead of me, whose wisdom helps me immensely.  But it got me thinking to also keep my eyes peeled for those teachers who are just a few steps ahead of me on the mountain who can help boost me up a little higher.  And also, to remember to look behind me and see who is two steps back, who I can reach out to and lend a helping hand.  So we can all help guide each other up the rough terrain of the mountain, and enjoy the views together.

Lessons Learned from Julie & Julia

WRITEOUS CHICKS NEWSLETTER - September 2009

Yesterday I saw the movie “Julie & Julia.”  Everything I had heard/read about it said that the Julia part was great and inspiring because she was driven by her passion and her desire to help people, but the Julie part was lacking because she was only driven by her desire for recognition and fame.  However, I didn’t feel this way about the movie, and I enjoyed and was inspired by both women’s stories unfolding.  I thought that Julie was definitely driven by more than just the ambition to catch-up with her established fancy Cobb-salad-eating corporately vice presidential friends and be famous for something, and she seemed to be fueled by a desire to add meaning to her life that was suffering from listless, passionless, ambivalent fatigue.  And as I watched the movie, I learned from both women, and found myself cataloging their lessons in my mind as the movie played on.

1)  Live In Gratitude

Julia Child’s character was bubbling over with gratitude throughout the movie.  Everything she experienced was THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER!  When she tasted food, she savored every bite.  When she prepared food, she delighted in every step of creation.  When she moved into her Parisian home, she ran around it throwing open windows and exclaiming, “It’s Versailles!”  Her husband Paul said that Parisians were known to be unfriendly, but Julia brought out the best in everyone so they were the opposite of that to her.  She was so grateful for every interaction with the Parisian shopkeepers that they couldn’t help but return her energy of kindness and generosity.

It’s easy to get jaded.  The fast pace of life contributes to this – running around, feeling overwhelmed, being overscheduled.  It’s easy to focus on the negative and what’s going wrong.  But running around in a busy tailspin and making ongoing mental notes of everything that’s going wrong blocks from our vision what’s going right, and all there is to be grateful for.  You truly have to slow waaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy down to see, smell, taste, touch, feel, appreciate, and delight in all of the simple pleasures in life.  But when you do slow down, the payoff is tremendous – there are boundless simple pleasures to enjoy and be grateful for. 

Julia Child had a child-like appreciation for things in life, and noticed these simple pleasures in the way that we did as children, before we got busy, and jaded.  And you don’t have to live in Paris or be a famous chef to follow her lead, to savor every bite of a meal, to enjoy a conversation with the person who made your coffee instead of grunting a half-hearted thanks, grabbing it without making eye contact, and racing out the door to catch a subway, to deeply connect with the people, places, and things in your environment every single day.  That kind of gratitude adds excitement and adventure to everything it touches, and will deepen and enrich your life immensely as a result.

2)  You Don’t Have To Have It All Figured Out Already - Experiment!

I have often felt like the clock is racing ahead and I fell behind long ago on some invisible timeline and I can never catch up.  It can seem like “everyone else has it all figured out,” and you are the only one who is struggling to find purpose, direction, and a meaningful path in your life.  And comparing yourself to others who are “ahead of you” on the invisible timeline always leaves you finding yourself lacking. 

However, first of all, everyone else doesn’t already have everything all figured out, and we are all searching on our own time and in our own way.  And Julia Child is a great example of someone who discovered her life’s passion on her own timeline.  She didn’t graduate from college with a degree in culinary arts and several impressive cooking internships already under her belt to immediately begin her rise up a culinary org chart at age 21.  She came to cooking in her late 30’s, and the movie showed her process of experimentation and discovery to get to this place.  Earlier in her career, she had worked as an advertising copywriter and in the government.  Where the movie picks up in France, Julia is continuing on her career exploration.  She liked hats, so she took a hat-making class.  It wasn’t for her, but she didn’t berate herself that she was falling behind on a timeline, and that her established friends were racing ahead of her.  Instead, she tried something else – playing cards, which also turned out to be not her thing, but no worries.  She moved onto cooking and at last it was a love connection!

Again, we can learn to employ Julia’s child-like sense of play, joy, wonder and experimentation as we search for our own true path in life.  There is no need to berate yourself for “wasting time” if what you are doing at the moment isn’t your true life’s passion, or if maybe you haven’t found it yet.  No worries, just keep trying, playing, experimenting, and learning what you do and don’t like.  Step off the Universal Timeline that compares you to everyone else, and instead make the choice to boldly accept that your pace and process of discovery, growth, achievement, and living, is absolutely perfect for you.

3)  If Someone Thinks You Can’t Do Something, Prove Them Wrong

When Julia attends Le Cordon Bleu, Madame Brassart, the school’s proprietress, seems to have it out for her and does not think she will succeed in a cooking course for “professionals.”  On the first day of class, all the students are masterfully and speedily chopping onions while Julia tentatively slices a few slivers.  She goes home and practices her speed-dicing skills until her table is piled high in a mountain of expertly diced onions and her husband can’t even walk in the kitchen door without crying.  When Julia fails the final exam she asks to take it again and then passes it.  Throughout her time at the school, Madame Brassart’s lack of belief in Julia only serves to fuel her own belief in herself even more.

When confronted with harsh criticism and/or someone who believes you will fail, you can do one of two things:  prove them right or prove them wrong.  People believing in you feels great and can motivate you to new heights of achievement.  People not believing in you feels terrible and can motivate you to curl up in a ball under your covers and give up.  Don’t give anyone that kind of power over your life.  Let all feedback – positive and negative – push you on to realize your dreams.  And, if you let it ignite you rather than stop you,  it is the negative criticism that can powerfully fire you up more than anything else to reach your goals.

4)  Never Give Up, Even In The Face Of Seemingly Insurmountable Obstacles

It took Julia over 7 years to write “Mastering the Art of French Cooking” and many times it looked like her dream would not become a reality, but she stuck with it.  When she first got involved in this project, Simone Beck and Louisette Bertholle had already written an early draft of the cookbook that had been rejected because it was not American enough for Americans.  They could have thrown in the towel at this point, but instead, they asked Julia to collaborate on a rewrite with them.  Julia then slogged through a painstakingly slow process of testing recipes and writing the book over years and years.  Though there was no instant gratification in sight, she continued to have a positive attitude and maintain her connection to her enthusiasm for her project, even when she was doing the “grunt work” parts.  At one point when she had to type up a section, she didn’t bemoan this fact but rather, she cheerily exclaimed, “It will give me something to do in Oslo!”

When the first publishers who expressed interest in her book later rejected it, she didn’t let that stop her from believing in her vision, and she went on to find another publisher, get an even bigger advance, and see her book become published.  The final scene of the movie shows her unwrapping a package, seeing her book in print for the first time, and her and her husband Paul exploding in joyous laughter.  The movie ends with a freeze frame on this moment, her vision realized.

Achieving a dream can take a long time, and along the way, you can lose the connection to your enthusiasm and your intention and let obstacles stop you.  However, if you can step back and see the larger perspective and look at your whole life, the obstacles you confront today appear to be only little blips on the way to the tremendous joy of living in pursuit and realization of your dreams.  And if the road is long, arduous, and fraught with obstacles that make you want to give up but you don’t, then savoring your success will be all the sweeter!

5)  Writing Has The Power To Transform You & Your Life

I’m not talking about external transformation, like how Julie lived in a crappy apartment over a pizza place and worked at a miserable job trapped in a cubicle, and then she started to blog and got a book deal and then a movie deal and presumably a much nicer apartment, although that can happen.  I’m talking about inner transformation.  About how Julie was unhappy, lost, and felt like she was drowning, and then she started writing, and writing gave her life meaning, purpose, and direction, and saved her.  She felt alone, and then sharing her writing with others brought her connection.  Through her writing she confronts things about herself that she doesn’t like, like her meltdowns and her taking her husband for granted, and then once she sees these things, she can change them.

This world can be isolating.  It can leave us feeling separate from others and even from ourselves.  How many times have you felt like you don’t have a voice, even in your own life?  Like you have so many thoughts and opinions and wishes and hopes and dreams that just wither and die in your mind?  How many times have you felt dissatisfied with something or someone, but you muffle the voice inside that wants to say how you really feel and you remain mute, the nice, good person, doing the nice, good, right thing?

Writing is so powerful because through it you can reclaim your voice and therefore, one word at a time, you can reclaim your life.  You can build a bridge of words back to your true self, you can speak up and say this is what I’ve experienced and this is what I think and this is what I feel and it matters and I matter.  You can take up your rightful space in the world, and in doing so, you can reach out and connect to others, and then, as a result, we are all a little more powerful and a little less isolated.

A million things can happen in the course of a day to leave you feeling tossed about by the world and powerless in your own life.  Picking up a pen or turning on your computer is a simple way to take back your power, raise your voice, and claim your life as your own.  Every time you return to your writing, your writing returns you to yourself, and in this way, it will transform you and your life, from the inside out.

Have a delightful September and savor every sip of this crisp, delicious fall air – bon appétit!

Lots of love!

Jen xoxo

Copyright © 2009 by Jennifer Garam

Got Insecurity? So Does Maxwell.

“I’m a really, really insecure person at best…”

- Maxwell, Q&A at the BLACKsummers’night Listening Party & Press Conference on 4/28/09

A few years ago, I blogged about how John Mayer gets anxiety attacks.  And lately, with all the Michael Jackson coverage in the news, it’s been mentioned a lot that Michael Jackson was extremely shy.

OK, these are obstacles.  Big obstacles.  If you have “crippling anxiety attacks” as John Mayer’s were described in a September 2006 issue of Rolling Stone, one could assume that you might not be able to perform in front of huge crowds, have your albums go multi-platinum, and win Grammy Awards.  and if you are extremely shy, maybe you are just not meant to be the greatest pop star of all time.  Or maybe just maybe, you would be able to perform in front of thousands upon thousands of people, wow crowds, and maybe even become the King of Pop.  Maybe, despite all the obstacles that would seemingly make these things impossible, you can, and you do anyway.

 

In a recent Q&A at the BLACKsummers’night Listening Party & Press Conference, Maxwell confessed to being a “really, really insecure person at best,” and this is what he tweeted before his dress rehearsal for the BET Awards in June:  “on the STAGE gettin’ ready to do the dress rehearsals… so NERVOUS…”

I have long been fascinated by insecurity and fear, and how it can stop you.  Or not.  In my own life sometimes I will hit a wall of fear that is so scary it makes me want to stop, drop, and roll under my covers, question if it’s worth it, and be tempted to just give up altogther on that particular hope.  And it is easy to think that if you are at all insecure, shy, nervous, anxious, or fearful, well, maybe that big bold dream just isn’t for you anyway.  Maybe it’s for those totally secure, calm, fearless people, and you, well, you can stay hiding out, snuggled under those covers, and settle for a listless life devoid of meaning, in which your dreams are absent, having been chased away by your fears. 

But who are those supremely confident, ever-unflappable people?  Does anyone really not have to walk through some form of fear or insecurity on the path to their dreams?

Whenever I’ve performed or spoken in front of large groups, and even when I teach small groups, I often get very nervous (the heart-racing-difficulty-breathing-sick-to-my-stomach variety) beforehand.  A calm then sweeps over me once I get onstage or get started, but I’ve wondered if there are certain people who are extremely successful at what they do who just get to skip the fear step.  I’ve wondered if there is a way to override those nervous jitters and instead only embody complete confidence and calm at all times, in all situations, even in the most jitter-inducing of circumstances.  Seeing people who just SHINE, or ROCK, or do whatever they are doing to its fullest and most radiant expression, I’ve longed to know, what is their secret?

And the secret is this:  these people are often insecure, shy, nervous, anxious, or fearful.  But they do their thing anyway.

Maxwell describes himself as insecure.  Watch this video for “Pretty Wings” and see if it appears that he has anything at all to feel insecure about, or if “insecure” is one of the top five adjectives that comes to your mind to describe him.  Personally, I think, “dizzyingly beautiful, amazing voice, off-the-charts-talented, soulful, and sexy.”  Insecure doesn’t make it anywhere close to my list.  Or check out this performance for the CBS Early Show and see if you could guess that he ever gets nervous before performing.

In this recent Q&A Maxwell said, “I’m a really, really insecure person at best,” and he then continued with a laugh, “I mean, I know I front hard on that stage, let me tell you, it’s all fake.”  That’s the other piece of the secret:  sometimes you really do just have to fake it ’til you make it.

Fear, shyness, insecurity, anxiety, and nervousness can be obstacles that stop you in your tracks, propel you into hiding under your covers, and chase away your dreams.  But they don’t have to be.  John Mayer gets anxiety attacks.  Michael Jackson was shy.  Maxwell is insecure at best.  But they all stepped through their fears to share their incredible gifts with the world.  Don’t let those things stop you from sharing your gifts with the world.  Just take a deep breath, front if you have to, and step out into your spotlight to rock.

Maxwell Is Singing To My Soul…& Curing My Anxiety

This is how it started:  two weeks ago I was listening to Pandora.com as I was getting ready in the morning and Maxwell’s song “Pretty Wings” popped up, reminding me how much I love Maxwell.  I didn’t realize it was a new song and thought maybe it was just one that I had missed in the past.  When I got to work, I told my co-worker, who sits behind me and gets to hear about all my musical loves, about my excitement over hearing that Maxwell song.

“You must be really excited for his new cd then!” my co-worker exclaimed.

“What??!?!”  I had had no idea that Maxwell had a new cd coming out after the 8 years since his last one.  I had been excited about creating a new Maxwell station on Pandora; now I was over-the-top about the news of his new cd.

This is how it really started:  In 1998, I graduated from college and moved to New York City to go to acting school full-time, and into an apartment on the Upper East Side with two of my best friends from high school.  One of my roommates had Maxwell’s cds “Urban Hang Suite” and “MTV Unplugged” and introduced me to the wonder that is his music.  She had been introduced to Maxwell’s music by her ex-boyfriend who had played his cds when they were still dating, while they were making out.  I imagine that that guy smartly put Maxwell’s cds on permanent rotation in his bedroom cd player.

In my first New York City apartment, Maxwell cds were often playing, for musical enjoyment purposes not making out purposes, although I did go on to follow in my roommate’s footsteps and make out with my own boyfriend circa 2000 to the live version “Whenever Wherever Whatever” on the unplugged cd.  I played Maxwell’s live version of “This Woman’s Work” off that same cd as emotional preparation when I was acting in plays where I had to be sad, crouched down backstage in the dark, or in a green room, listening to it repeatedly before going on.  I had a painful break-up with boyfriend circa 2000, wrote a play about him, and used the aforementioned version of “Whenever Wherever Whatever” in the play’s soundtrack.  Years later, I’ve happily divorced that beautiful song from the painful memories of the break-up and can deeply enjoy it once again. 

In August of 2001 Maxwell’s last cd “Now” came out.  I got it right away, and listening to the songs ”Lifetime” and “Get to Know Ya” made me feel happy, and hopeful.

And I remember a mix of Maxwell songs on the soundtrack of my first few years living in New York City in the late 90’s and early 2000’s, woven in with the experiences of my 20’s when I was new to the city, everything was an adventure, and I was guided by my dreams.

This February, I was meeting my Dad and Stepmom for dinner at a French bistro in Manhattan.  I got there early and was waiting at the bar when “Ascension (Don’t Ever Wonder)” came on.  I felt flooded again with that same sense of happiness and thought, “I love this place!”  After dinner I stopped at Barnes & Noble on my way home to buy my very own copy of “Urban Hang Suite,” because I have not lived with that Maxwell cd-owning roommate since Maxwell’s last cd came out.

Back to Summer 2009, for the past two weeks, I have been so excited about Maxwell’s new cd coming out, and have been listening to his music practically non-stop.  And here’s the thing.  Sometimes music can bring you so much joy, and just make you feeeeeel soooooo goooooood.  And Maxwell’s music does exactly that.  Several times over the past few weeks, I’ve been walking down the street when I’ve noticed anxious thoughts creep into my mind, and I’d start down the path of worrying about some insignificant thing that is a waste of my time and energy, but a familiar and seductive pattern nonetheless.  And several times I’ve grabbed for my iPod Shuffle in those moments, shoved the headphones in my ears, and pressed play to “Pretty Wings.”  I’ve discovered that hearing it just melts away my anxiety, and makes it pretty much impossible to give any time or energy to a negative worried thought, because all my energy becomes captivated by the music instead.  And on a crowded subway, I will throw in those headphones again, and blast “Pretty Wings” or “Fortunate,” and suddenly I am literally bursting with energy and excitement (and sometimes dancing), oblivious to space-invading rush hour commuters, transported into a whole nother, more joyful, zone.

I got his much-anticipated new cd “BLACKsummers’night” yesterday, and today, I took what I called a “Maxwell Half-Day” at work, and went to see a free outdoor concert that he was doing for the CBS Early Show.  I had wanted to go to his concert at NJPAC in Newark which was the closest show to NYC listed on his tour schedule, but it had sold out the week before.  However, the same day I found out that that show was sold out, I learned about this free NYC one.  Walking from the subway to the outdoor plaza where the CBS concert would be this morning, I was so excited that I started having difficulty breathing and I had to pop a Tums.  It was an amazing, joyous show from an amazing, joyous performer, and it always inspires me how something so simple as a song, has the incredible power to transport, transform, uplift, and even, when needed, to cure anxiety.

Stay tuned, there is a good chance I will write more about Maxwell, and this just might turn into Maxwell Week on my blog…

Summer of Fun Mission ‘09: All Revved Up & Raring To Go

Last week in my newsletter I wrote about my mission to have fun this summer.  When I wrote it, I had already started bringing fun to the forefront of my mind and therefore my life in some small ways, and I am happy to report that the Summer of Fun Mission ‘09  is now officially in full swing.

I am realizing that you can’t just ignore fun or think about it like twice a year and assume it will just passively mosey on over in your general direction.  You really have to hold that intention to have fun front & center and let it inform your decisions as you move through your days.

This 4th of July weekend was evidence of the shift I’ve made towards embracing more fun.  Holidays are usually especially UN-fun for me.  I feel like there is so much pressure to do something fun and the expectations are so high, and as a result holidays have traditionally been disappointing/depressing for me.  Over the past several years, I’ve somewhat given up on holidays and often don’t even try to make any plans, and then the holiday rolls around and I find myself even more disappointed/depressed that I don’t have anything to do. 

This year, a friend invited me to her family friends’ home on the Jersey Shore for the 4th of July weekend, and whereas I would normally say no to anything out of my routine, this year, guided by my mission to have fun, I said YES instead, and I am so happy I did.  I treated myself to a new self-help book, bought a ticket on New Jersey Transit, and headed Down the Shore. 

The weekend was chock-ful of the quintessential summer fun I so miss from my childhood/college/20’s, like going to the beach, playing in a pool, hanging out on a patio in a lounge chair with my feet up, relaxing in a hammock (I have long had a theory that hammocks are the key to complete relaxation), and eating what felt like a never-ending procession of food coming off the grill.  The weekend culminated when another friend stopped by and drove us home, windows down, “Freefalling” by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers and various Steve Miller Band songs blasting on the radio, the wind whipping through my hair as the scenery whizzed by, totally college road-trip style. 

And the quintessential summer fun was supplemented by new experience fun, like riding on a motorcycle for the first time ever, another thing I said YES to (although, full-disclosure, I only said yes after extensive convincing).  Before I strapped my helmet on, I was instructed to lean into the turns instead of trying to stay upright, and every time the motorcycle turned a corner, I felt myself effortlessly leaning with it, acknowledging the metaphor that I wanted to lean into my life more and not sit up so rigidly, to just go with the flow and trust instead.

Another thing that has given a boost to my Summer Fun Mission is that I have been amping up my yoga practice and practicing more regularly which is fun in its own right, and also provides me with the energy and endorphins necessary to pursue fun like it’s my job.  And I have been listening to music I love pretty much non-stop.  Walking home from the subway tonight, my neighbor busted me as I was rocking out on the street to “I Want You Back” by the Jackson Five.  I had just taken a big breath in and was switching my bag to my other hand in preparation to launch out into full-out choreography mode, when he walked up behind me and said hi.  Feeling the need to explain I said, “Hi.  I’m rocking out,” and he responded, “Good for you!”  I love dance parties in any location – in my apartment, sitting in my chair at work, in the street, on the subway, and in my mind – and listening to a constant stream of energizing, uplifting music and rocking out wherever I feel so inspired provides an extra burst of fun to activities that are usually decidedly un-fun, like the rush hour subway commute.

Last week, one of my friends used the expression “all revved up” and it immediately became my new favorite expression.  How often do you feel “all revved up” about anything in your life, let alone your whole life?  How often do you leap out of bed in the morning “all revved up” to start your day, “all revved up” about the fun and excitement and adventure it will bring?  I have gone through long periods of time on auto-pilot where I couldn’t muster one single rev, even for things that once brought me joy.  That’s where I am coming to learn that fun is an active pursuit, a muscle you have to flex daily or else it will atrophy, an engine that you have to keep on revving or your vehicle will conk out on you.  And this requires constantly and deliberately placing people, places, and things in your life every single day that you are super-excited and all revved up about.

So how is your Fun Factor this summer?  Do you want to make fun your mission?  Or is it already in the forefront of your life?  Post a comment to share what fun you are infusing in your life, I’d love to hear from you!

OK Ladies & Gentlemen…start your engines!

Copyright © 2009 by Jennifer Garam

Why I Love “EAT, PRAY, LOVE,” & Inspiring Elizabeth Gilbert TED Talk

Three years ago, a guy I was dating on-again, off-again, gave me a copy of Elizabeth Gilbert’s book “EAT, PRAY, LOVE” during an off-period, and said the book made him think of me, or I reminded him of her, or something to that effect. 

Initially, I was just excited to have any contact with him, because contact, especially that involving giving one a book, especially a book reminding him of me, or the admittance that he thought or was thinking of me, usually led, shortly thereafter, to an on-again period.  So I started reading the book…

Now, sometimes you read a book and you’re like, “I can relate to this book, this author, these words, these thoughts.”  And other times, it goes a step further, when you’re like, “These are my exact thoughts!  This is ME!”  That’s how I felt when I read “EAT, PRAY, LOVE” and the way I imagine countless others connected with her words as well, seeing how people pour over her recognizable mala bead-marked pages on subways.

For instance, on page 20, I underlined “something like a cross between a golden retriever and a barnacle,” Elizabeth Gilbert’s description of how she is in love.  “That’s ME!”  I thought.  “I’M a golden-retriever-barnacle!” oscillating between feeling validated that someone had given a name to my behavior in love, and feeling sullen remembering that on-again/off-again guy thought of me when he read this book, and possibly those words, and did he think, “Jen is SUCH a golden-retriever-barnacle, I’m going to give this to her!”?  And then back to feeling understood, and coming to terms with and even embracing my golden-retriever-barnacle-ness.

After many more on-again, off-again periods, the guy and I have become off period.  And after each on turned into an off, I would purge the things he gave me – books, emails, whatever – to symbollically break our ties and make room for a new relationship, a new guy, who would hopefully just be “on.”  But “EAT, PRAY, LOVE” survived every single purging, and there were many (at least 2 pre-”EPL” and 4 post-”EPL”).  And over time, I got custody of this book, and it has become more mine than something he gave me.

*******************************

A group of friends and I email daily gratitude lists to each other, which is something I have been doing for close to 4 years starting with a small core group, and expanding over time so I now send and receive lists to/from about 20 women.  People often include inspiring quotes, resources, and links at the top or bottom of their lists, and this week, one of the women included a link to this Elizabeth Gilbert TED Talk about creativity.  It got me thinking back to when I read “EAT, PRAY, LOVE” in February 2006, and how, when I finished the last word on the last page and closed the book, I felt a twinge of sadness, like I wasn’t going to see this friend anymore, who I had gotten used to meeting on the page everyday, and hearing her stories, and I would miss her.  I am a voracious reader and always have many books lined up on deck, so when I snap one book shut, I immediately open another and start devouring it.  But when I finished “EAT, PRAY, LOVE” and closed it for the last time (not counting the times I have opened it to refer back to it since), I deliberately did not start another book right away, and I decided to wait a day, and sit with what I had just read and let it marinate.

When I find a book I feel this way about, when I hear my thoughts and worries and dreams in someone else’s words, I know early on, from the first passages of the book, and dive into the pages breathlessly, thrilled by the sense of recognition, and spend every free minute and spare second reading it and only surface when I’ve finished.

This is a huge part of why I read – to find that connection on the page, with another person, and with myself.  For that moment when I am reading and feel, “This writer is like me.  I am not alone.”  And this is a huge part of why I write – to connect with myself and through that with others, on the page, computer screen, or in an email.  And hope that someone will read my words and know that they are not alone.

We all have stories, thoughts, words, and dreams to share with each other.  Reading each other’s words, we will find that we have commonalities that will surprise and soothe.  Put your stories, thoughts, words, and dreams down on paper, online, or in an email and share them with someone or someones; it may be exactly what they need to read to know that they are not alone.  And together, through our stories, through our greatest fears and our grandest dreams, we are all, connected, we are all, not alone.

Happy Valentine’s & Presidents’ Day Weekend, and check out this inspiring video to kick off the holiday weekend!

Lots of love!

Jen xoxo

Copyright © 2009 by Jennifer Garam

4 Minutes To Save The World

“The time is waiting/We only got 4 minutes to save the world/No hesitating”

-4 Minutes, Madonna f. Justin Timberlake & Timbaland

I was listening to AT40 with Ryan Seacrest this morning while I was getting ready to go out for Mother’s Day brunch, and he was doing a phone interview with Madonna about her new album “Hard Candy,” among other things.  When I was brushing my teeth, Madonna started talking about what it was like to collaborate with Justin Timberlake, Timbaland, and/or Pharrell on songs like “Four Minutes (To Save The World)”.  Specifically, that the first thought that came into her head when she had an idea for a lyric or a melody was:  “I don’t wanna say it, I don’t wanna share it, ’cause they might think it’s stupid.”

I ran out of the bathroom with my toothbrush clamped between my right bicuspids to write this down on a post-it.  I’ve had this thought many times.  But, dude, she’s Madonna.  I love when famous people cop to having fear and insecurity.  Because it’s like:  it’s not easy.  Success is often propped up as this perfect, gleaming finished product and you don’t see all the hard work underneath it, which makes it look like some people are meant for success and others aren’t.  You either got it or you don’t, Baby.  But underneath all the shiny success is a big ol’ mess, made up of fear, insecurity, vulnerability, self-doubt, others-doubt, and most likely underneath every really big success story, is a really big mound of failure that was necessary to endure to get there.  The mistakes that had to happen to get it, finally, right.

How many times have you almost said something, almost wrote something, almost did something, but in a flash, worried what others would think of you?  Worried that they might think it/you were stupid, or worse, that it/you might actually be stupid.  And as a result, didn’t say/write/do anything at all…

If Madonna can feel vulnerable and be afraid that people will think her creative ideas are stupid, and still accomplish all she has, it shows that it’s possible to move through your fear and say it anyway.  Write it anyway.  Do it anyway.

I have so much to say.  And I’m tired of keeping it to myself. 

We all have so much to say, so much to contribute, and I’m guessing that every day there’s a million ways, big and small, that we hold ourselves back.  Bite our tongues.  Keep it inside.

So let it out.  The time is waiting.  Say it.  Write it.  Do it.  Someone might think it’s stupid.  A lot of people might think it’s stupid.  But then again, if enough people share what they really think, and who they really are, no hesitating, we just might save the world.

Painfully Perfect

I just went running in the park and it was so beautiful it hurt.  Like, I would never be able to take all that amazingness in, you know?  I’m not equipped to handle it; I’m wired for depression and anxiety, worry and struggle, repetitive obsessive thoughts and endless list-making.  My senses are so dulled from the craziness and hectic pace of day-to-day life that I barely notice the new baby leaf buds uncurling themselves from tree branches.  Just barely.  And if a lightening bug happened to flit by me, I might notice it in my periphery and sort of maybe register it and then keep walking, thinking about what I forgot that I forgot to do that day, or what I have to remember to do tomorrow.  I likely would not pay its alighted form the kind of attention I would have when I was a kid, and spent an entire dusky summer evening with friends, but lost in my own world, chasing them around my yard, mesmerized.

After my run I sat on a bench facing the water and breathed.  My mind was empty, calm and clear, and I could feel all 360 degrees of my beautiful surroundings.  I wanted to soak in this moment, to swim and swirl around in it; to do somersaults and backflips and underwater breathless handstands, but I climbed out before I had even adjusted to the temperature and feel of it.  I climbed out thinking, “What a perfect moment, I should write about this moment,” and then I started drafting it in my head, “I’ll start like this and it will go like that and this part over here will be really great.”  And that’s how I lost my moment.

I walked home as the sun was setting wrapped up in my inner monologue and missed 99.7% of all the beauty available to me on the way.

Whenever I take a dip in a perfect moment it feels like falling, to let go of my anxious thoughts that anchor me in the existence I know so well.  And I almost immediately realize that I can’t stay there long before the thoughts return.  In some weird way, constant thinking stands guard, and protects me from painfully perfect moments, because how scary and powerful would that be, to let go of everything and just feel quiet, calm, connected, peaceful and…happy.

But I’m glad they took a break and abandoned their post, maybe to grab a quick cup of coffee or smoke a cigarette, and left my mind unguarded, even if for just a fleeting moment.

Just Enjoy It!

Last weekend was supposed to be cold and rainy and I had planned on spending Saturday filing.  Or.  Avoiding filing.  But I woke up to a room filled with sunshine on Saturday morning, and my apartment was a little almost-hot and stuffy, like that temperature it gets when you know it is time to put your air conditioner in your high-up window, no matter how scary this prospect might be, or how much it reminds you of the story your 4th grade teacher told about what happens when someone drops a penny, a penny, off the top of the Empire State Building, and forget the fact that your apartment is not actually that high up (or that time of year to call your handy neighbors and ask them to put your air conditioner in for you while you “supervise” and provide “moral support”).

Anyway, as someone who has self-diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder (me), spring and summer are really my seasons; I am a much better person in these balmy months, and I was totally psyched about this unexpected sunny turn of events.  I bounded out of bed and took a nice, bask-y type of stoll through the beautiful bright Brooklyn streets, ambling to the bank to take out some cash for my morning Starbucks/reading/writing ritual.

I approached the bank door at the same time as this other women did, and she said, sort of to me, “I hate this weather!” 

I did a double take.  WHAT was she talking about?  Did I hear her right?

“What?” I said.  “It’s gorgeous out!”

“Yeah,” she explained, “but then tomorrow will be cold and rainy again.  It’s one day nice and then back to being cold.”

OK, I’ll admit that this winter, while not particularly chillingly cold, has been dragging on for a particularly chillingly long time, and it would be nice if it would just get warm already and then, stay that way. 

However, this was the farthest thought from my mind on Saturday, when it felt like (could it be?) it was in the 70’s, and perfectly, perfectly sunny.  I leisurely strolled through my morning errands, went for an invigorating run in the park for the first time in a year (the last consecutive 12 months calculation, not the kind of year that started in January), got a flavored ice coffee with a splash of whole milk in it, ambled to the park with a good self-help book in tow where I sat on a bench and read, people watched, and basked some more, got a cup of ice cream that turned out not to taste very good but that was neither here nor there because I could eat it as I walked outside, basking in the warmth of the sun still some more.  When inside my apartment at intermittent intervals throughout the day, I threw open my windows, turned on the radio and blasted  pop music, and took in deep, full breaths of the warm, sweet, summer-smelling air.

But on one of my ambling strolls, I encountered this negativity phenomenon once again when I passed two women and overheard one say wryly to the other, “Enjoy it while it lasts!”

!!!!!

I wanted to turn around and scream at them:  “Just enjoy it, period (exclamation point)!  Just fucking ENJOY IT!!!”

But I didn’t.

I am one to skip out of the present moment and leapfrog into some future imagined catastrophe (and perhaps I would benefit from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as a result of this, as I recently learned that it addresses changing patterns associated with catastrophic thinking, but this is somewhat besides the point).  In fact, to bring this back to my AWESOME NEW CELL PHONE, this is something I did this weekend when I was setting it up – I imagined it was going to be a huge, complicated ordeal and that my phone wouldn’t work, that it would be a faulty, broken, useless phone sent to me (deliberately?  maliciously?) by Verizon, and that I would then have to go through this whole (imagined) rigmarole to replace it.  And then I accidentally put the battery in backwards and my phone didn’t work, which was somewhat, if not totally, a self-created, self-fulfilling prophecy. 

But this is one of the things that most annoys me about myself.  And it most annoys me about our society.  Something totally phenomenal could be happening in the present moment and people are already out of that fantastic, glimmering moment and onto:  “It’s not going to last!  Better get ready and brace yourself for how shitty it is all about to get!”

It’s like, when you ask someone how they’re doing and they’re like, “Getting by,” or “Making it through,” or “You know, I’m surviving.”  Don’t we want to do more than just get by, jumping from one anticipated disaster or shitty circumstance or cold, rainy day to another, without taking any time to stop and smell the roses on a beautiful, warm, sunny spring day?

I’ve been checking the forecast, and it’s supposed to be 74 degrees on Friday.  I’ve already picked out my outfit; I’m going to wear my black summer sleeveless sundress and open-toe shoes, and I have plans to meet a co-worker at lunch and I anticipate that we will sit outside on a bench in midtown Manhattan, sipping ice coffees and basking in the sunshine.  And I don’t care what the forecast has in store for Saturday, I haven’t even checked.  But either way it won’t take away my enjoyment of warm, sunny Friday, even if Friday turns out to be not so warm and sunny, which would be annoying, and then I’d have to last-minute pick out another outfit that morning, which could throw my already precarious morning groove off (I’m so not a morning person) and possibly cause me to be late-ish to work, but this would not be a catastophe worthy of devoting any advance time to dreading.  And it won’t take away from tonight when soon I will throw on my winter wool coat over a spring top because there is a chill in the air, and meet a friend for dinner and drinks, and not think about to do lists and errands and things that could go wrong and phones that could break, or potential cold rainy days in the future, and instead choose, make the choice, to just enjoy it!

Copyright © 2008 by Jennifer Garam

My Trip to the Post Office

 

Club Med Sonora Bay

WRITEOUS CHICKS Newsletter – November 2007

 On Saturday afternoon, I sat down to pay a stack of November bills when I saw that my Con Ed bill was due on Monday, November 5^th, which was in two days.  I thought that my Con Ed bill was always due on the 8th of the month, so this caught me by surprise, and I realized I had to get that sucker in the mail THAT DAY to even stand the slimmest of slim chances of it arriving on time.  I wasn’t sure what time the post office closed on Saturdays so I gave it a shot and headed to the closest post office 2 blocks away with my Con Ed bill in hand.  I had also mapped out the rest of my afternoon and all the errands I would do and in what order after I slid the bill into the mail slot. 

When I arrived at the post office is was 2:45, and the sign said it closed at 2:30.  There is another post office about 10 blocks away but this totally upset my map and threw off my whole afternoon of errand efficiency.  I read The Secret and I know all about creating your reality with your thoughts, and having a positive attitude of gratitude.  So I faked a mental monologue that went like this:  “Isn’t this GREAT?  It’s a gorgeous, sunny, crisp, cool fall day and I am just taking a leisurely stroll in my beautiful neighborhood.  Thank God the post office was closed, because it has given me this wonderful opportunity to slow down, give up my agenda, and just enjoy the day!  On my nice, long, leisurely walk, 10 blocks out of my way!”   

But my subconscious wasn’t buying it, and I’ll give you a glimpse into my REAL, deep down inner monologue, which went like this:  ” *@$^&%!!!!  @*^%*^%*^%*@!!!!!  I am going to f-ing walk 10 f-ing blocks out of my F-ING WAY, and when I get there, I am SURE that that motherf-ing post office is ALSO going to be closed, and it will be a complete waste of my time, I will have thrown my whole day off, I won’t be able to get any of my errands done, and my Con Ed bill won’t even get there on time so I will get a late fee tacked on on top of everything!!!!”

So you can imagine my surprise when I got to the second post office, and it was open, and everything was just…easy.  I plunked the bill in the mail, it would likely arrive at Con Ed on Monday, and I went on my merry way to Target.  Piece of cake. 

But this really alerted me to how I have come to anticipate struggle and expect disappointment.  In something so small and insignificant as a trip to the post office.  In day-to-day things like trying to catch (and missing) a subway, ordering meatloaf from my favorite neighborhood cafe on a cold rainy night only to learn that they just ran out, needing to print something out right now when the printer jams.  But also, I have grown to expect disappointment in the bigger things, from my relationships to my finances to my career to my life purpose.  I have grown to believe that I won’t get what I want and need when I want and need it, so why even bother?  

During spring break of my senior year in high school, my aunt and uncle took me, my sister, and my cousins to Club Med in Sonora Bay.  I had an amazing week dancing poolside (the Club Med Sun Dance!), water skiing, spending my nights at the discotheque grooving to “Informer” by Snow, and walking barefoot on the beach with super-cute guys, splashing in the waves (there was “Gabe the Babe” who was a real-live surfer from California, and another cutie from Chicago.  I can’t remember his name anymore which is strange because I loved him for a week in 1993).  I even performed in the show that the guests put on at the end of the week, in which I got to wear a sexy costume and strut my stuff onstage.  With a feather boa. 

I came back home burnt to a crisp as a result of a last ditch attempt to deepen my tan that involved Hawaiian Tropic, high noon, and a latitude close to the Equator, and also, radiating confidence.  I had made so many new friends instantly on this trip and it soothed my nerves about starting college in the fall.  I now knew I could make friends wherever I went and take risks and try new things and it would all be just…easy. 

I was in the National Honor Society at the time, and a week or two after returning from my trip it was my turn to put in my NHS tutoring hours at the high school library, where other students could stop by for homework help.  Still radiant, I was talking a million miles an hour to the NHS Faculty Advisor about my trip, and how it had opened my mind to all these new possibilities.  The university I was going to attend offered a semester abroad program in Aix-en-Provence, so I had decided that I wanted to major in French, study in Aix, and then take a year or two after college to work at different Club Meds around the world.  I thought it would be fun, and hey, why not?  I had no doubt that I could, and would, do this. 

Then the faculty advisor said, “That’s not going to happen.  Things never happen like you plan.”  But I was adamant and defended my plan with the full-out unrestrained passion of an optimistic 17-year-old. My plan totally never happened.  Nothing even close to it happened (I took one French class in my first semester of freshman year, and attended one poetry reading at the International House, and then ditched the idea).  Other stuff happened, which was fine stuff, but the point is, somewhere along the way, I stopped believing that it could happen.  Or that something equally fabulous and magnificent could happen.  I started internalizing the rejection and disappointment that the world threw my way, dropped a hope here, a dream there, and resigned myself to living a life that is not nearly as spectacular as the one I had once so easily imagined for myself.  And now I steel myself against disappointment daily and brace myself for struggle – the post office being closed when I need it to be open, the subway pulling out of the station when I need it to be pulling in, the relationship not working out, my writing being rejected, the list goes on… 

But this isn’t how I want to live my life.  And the unexpected surprise of the post office being open when I needed it to be, of things going smoothly, going my way, gave me a huge jolt. 

When I was in high school and college, I used to think that things would go my way just because I wanted them to, I was smart, I worked hard, and I deserved them.  That isn’t the way my thinking defaults anymore.  It’s easy to lose hold of this belief in ourselves as we get older and move through a world that is not always (and sometimes it can feel like never) accommodating to us and our desires.  So I write this story to hopefully jolt you, even if just for a moment, out of any conditioned thinking you may hold, an auto-pilot belief that whispers things will be difficult, and inconvenient, and disappointing, and won’t go your way. 

Try to remember a time in your life when you believed you could have it all, no matter how fanciful or outrageous, simply because you wanted it.  Remember a time in your life where you believed you deserved it.  And hold onto that thought, even when day-to-day disappointments peck at it and try to chip it away.  Write it down.  Write your story about a time you believed in yourself.  And remember remember remember.  Even when the subway door slams in your face and your computer crashes and the printer jams and you can’t find a decent slice of meatloaf to save your life and things are just not going your way.  And keep holding on.  No matter what.  ‘Cause maybe your present will loop back and touch your past at that very place, and you will believe in yourself, unconditionally, once again.  

Lots of love!

Jen xoxo 

Copyright © 2007 by Jennifer Garam